Cats Stuff 2

Here are some cat items that I have come across. I have tried to locate the author information, but have been unsuccessful. If you know to whom I should give credit, please contact me and I will very gladly add the name or remove the piece if requested. Thank you!

JOB DESCRIPTION FOR CATS

BATHROOMS: - Always accompany guests to the bath room. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit & stare.
DOORS: - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs & hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-way in & out & think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: - If you have to throw up get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it's as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: - If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book --unless you can lie across the book itself. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: - As often as possible, dart quickly & as close as possible in front of the human... especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark & when they first get up in the morning. This will kelp their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out... the humans will cover you with love & kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.... And don't forget the guests!

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*IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME*

*Symptoms*: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.

*Treatment*: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap
Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
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*LAP FUNGUS DISORDER*

*Symptoms*: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

*Treatment*: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
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*GREEBLINGZ*

*Symptoms*: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few
cats are naturally immune.

*Treatment*: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

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Cat Owner's Prayer

Because I'm only human,
It's sometimes hard to be
The wise, all-knowing creature
That my cat expects of me.

And so I pray for special help
To somehow understand
The subtle implications
Of each proud meowed command.

Oh, let me not forget that chairs
Were put on earth to shred;
And what I like to call a lap
Is actually a bed.

I know it's really lots to ask
But please, oh please, take pity;
And though I'm only human,
Make me worthy of my kitty!